Monday, December 7, 2009

CapCity Exclusive: 10 Questions for Jesus

  Editor's note: This interview was conducted by Josh Carples, Capital City Free Press managing editor.

  Twitter has proven to be a useful tool for many, and a while back, I (@joshcarples) discovered that Jesus himself was now using it (@OfficialJesus). He doesn't use Old English as the New Testament would have you believe, and for a deity (or "magic" as Sarah Silverman would say), he is very down-to-earth.

  We at the Capital City Free Press (follow @TheCCFP and editor/publisher @JosephOPatton) decided that since the decorations are up and the music has been going since right after Halloween, it seems the perfect time to get in touch with Jesus.

  He was kind enough to answer these ten questions. Enjoy.

CapitalCityFreePress: During this time of year, many people say that you are the reason for the season. How do you feel about this?

OfficialJesus: It's flattering that so many people want to celebrate my birthday. But, I'm a little disturbed by the commercialism of it all.

CCFP: What are your thoughts on Festivus?

OJ: Oh, I'm a huge fan of Festivus, and any winter solstice celebration ritual really. I especially like the airing of grievances. Everybody needs to get stuff off their chest and I cannot think of a better forum for that than at a holiday dinner with your family that you spend most of the year avoiding.

CCFP: Was “manger” a Biblical code word for what we now know as “Holiday Inn Express?”

OJ: Super 8. There was no room at the inn.

CCFP: How do you feel about the “War on Christmas” that Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly brings up each year, right before he tells everyone about the items for sale in his web store?

OJ: Bill O'Reilly is a hypocritical fool. On the one hand, he complains about political correctness. But, on the other hand, he tries to enforce his own religious correctness about Christmas. What's he got against Jews, exactly?  It's a perfect example of cultural imperialism. He's a very sad man.

CCFP: Would it be wrong to ask for your blessings over the Capital City Free Press?

OJ: Not at all. Consider yourself blessed.

CCFP: You have made a few animated appearances on the hit show Family Guy. What was it like?

OJ: Seth MacFarlane is a comedy genius. Working with him and the cast was a great experience.

CCFP: You have also made animated appearances on South Park. Did they treat you differently than the Family Guy staff?

OJ: Another great experience. Matt and Trey are top notch guys. The thing I love about these animated shows is that they are a great source of cultural and social criticism. Dad knows, you ain't getting that on the cable news.

CCFP: What are your views on Santa Claus? Friendly competition? Nonexistent? Or is it just creepy and stalker-like that he allegedly sees us while we’re sleeping and while we’re awake?

OJ: I'm down with St. Nick. We usually get together right after Christmas to have a few drinks and talk about how people grow up and out of some myths while clinging desperately to others.

CCFP: Will Tiger Woods get any gifts this Christmas?

OJ: No. He's totally screwed this year. I mean I know what it's like to have hot chicks throw themselves at you and it's not that hard to stay faithful to your wife. Nobody seems to take marriage seriously anymore, except for the gays and our laws discriminate against them.

CCFP: Has Twitter proven to be a better way to reach followers compared with other methods?

OJ: It's a pretty cool way to reveal yourself, I think. It certainly beats walking or riding a donkey from town to town. I can settle down in one place and use the net to communicate with people all over the world. Plus, when you stand on the street and tell people you're Jesus they tend to want to call the cops on you.

  You can find OfficialJesus at

Copyright © Capital City Free Press 

No comments:

Post a Comment