Friday, June 3, 2011

Ask Dr. Bumdinkle: Why hide your fruit?

Disclaimer: Don't be a jackass. "Ask Dr. Bumdinkle" is for entertainment purposes only.

Dr. Dingleberry or Whatever:

  As a gay man, I get so irritated and disgusted when I run into another gay dude and he's putting up this front by using phrases like, "sup," and calling his friends, "bro." It's so phony. And usually the guy is wearing a ball cap and wants to talk about sports and crap like that. It's like a whole routine.

  Why do gay men try to act like that? Are they ashamed of who they are and want to hide the fact that they're gay?

  -True to Myself in Montgomery

Dear Big Ole Sissy:

  I would imagine that impersonating a crotch-grabbing, knuckle-dragging, Jersey Shore douchebag is no less desirable and phony than prancing about like a true-life My Little Pony cartoon, lisping your way through life and farting rainbows at everyone you meet.

  Ultimately I couldn't condone anyone adopting some persona and masquerading as someone else, regardless of the motive. A gay man who presents himself as a stereotypical frat boy may simply be a frat boy and genuinely enjoy sports, cheap beer and not talking or swaggering about like a woman. (Probably not nearly as moody either.)

  The presence of testosterone in the male body is a fairly easy concept to grasp... copious amounts of estrogen, not so much. Since when did engaging in butt sex require that one speak with sugar in his voice? Or employing salutations and terms of endearment such as "princess," "girl" or the more mundane, "Hey, bitch!"

  It is of course your prerogative to yammer on endlessly about overpriced skin care products, Lady Gaga's face paint and stylish, uppity underwear. Or to seek meaning and enlightenment in your life by modeling your existence after Paris Hilton. But ultimately you've inflicted a negative stereotype on yourself and shouldn't whine when others point out that cold, hard, fruity fact to you. Nor should you douse those around you with (low-fat, organic, designer label) HatorAde just because they don't make themselves the object of scorn and ridicule by patterning themselves after a tiresome girlie stereotype. (See Jack from the defunct series "Will and Grace.")

  The men you desribe are no more phony than you appear to be... and at the very least they seem to have retained their testicles.

  And on that note, I'm gonna slide into my fuzzy rainbow unicorn slippers, dip into some chamomile tea and watch some Lifetime....

Hope that helps, princess!
  -Dr. Bumdinkle

  Need advice? (Comments, hate mail, marriage proposals, and baked goods are welcome also.) Email Dr. Bumdinkle: drbumdinkle[at]

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