Friday, October 21, 2011

Joseph O. Patton: An Open Letter to Herman Cain

Mr. Cain:

  I’ve been following your campaign to become the Republican Party’s nominee for president. With all due respect, I’d like to point out a few things that I believe are valid concerns:

  Muslims are people too, and your patriotism, trustworthiness and loyalty to this country are no greater than theirs. Stories about a boogey man hiding in the closet are for children. (Ignorant children who apparently need someone to hate.) There was a shameful time in our country’s history when your patriotism would have likely been questioned simply due to the color of your skin. It’s not acceptable now either.

  You cannot blame someone for being unemployed when there simply aren’t enough jobs available. There are currently 14 million Americans out of work and very few job openings (Bureau of Labor Statistics). On average there is only one job vacancy for every five applicants. I know that math shit can be confusing, but…. Or are you just one of those self-loathing types riddled with insecurities that drive you to the point where you feel you must ridicule others and kick them when they’re down to feel better about yourself? If so, please note that some of us are more than willing to kick back.

  And it’s unintentionally humorous that your economic plan is known by a numerical name… simply because your numbers don’t add up. Former president George W. Bush called it “fuzzy math” and his daddy referred to similar schemes as “voodoo economics.” I just call it bullshit. You clearly have a severe distaste for anyone who isn’t in your tax bracket… but your hatred and disdain for middle class and working poor Americans do not equate to good economic policy. Stealing from the poor to give to the rich - the real “redistribution of wealth” going on this country - will certainly endear you to some Republican primary voters, but those of us who don’t believe in robbery and taking advantage of ‘the least of these’ will have to take a pass on that. Thanks for the offer, though!

  Also, homosexuality is not a choice, just as you weren’t hanging out in your mom’s uterus going through color swatches to determine which skin tone would best suit you in this world. Would you blame a child born with a congenital heart defect for “selecting” the wrong parents to be born to? No one chooses their sexuality as though they were picking out a pair of shoes in the morning to wear to work… no matter how fabulous they might look! And to be fair, you have every right to choose to be a hate-fueled, intolerant bigot. But I also reserve the right to tell you to go to hell for it.


  Joseph O. Patton

P.S. Since you think abortion should be illegal in this country and have no qualms over our government invading a woman's body, you wouldn't mind if I lobbied to have that same government neuter you, right?

  About the author: Joseph O. Patton is the editor-in-chief and founder of the Capital City Free Press. He is a former news editor for the Coosa County News, lead reporter for the Montgomery Independent and editor-in-chief of the AUMnibus, the student newspaper of Auburn-Montgomery. Patton is also the creator of and writer for the satirical news radio segment "Goat Hill Gossip," which previously aired on WAUD in Auburn, Alabama and has appeared on several Central Alabama radio programs as a political analyst.

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