Friday, May 30, 2014

Our Stand: Remember what matters in the June 3rd Republican Primary

  After an exhaustive survey of rhetoric offered, public policy priorities voiced, and an examination of "values" routinely touted by River Region and statewide candidates running for elected office in the June 3rd Republican Primary, the editorial board of the Capital City Free Press has produced this insightful voter guide for registered voters who plan to participate in the Tuesday election.

  Instead of listing individual candidates and races, we have instead summarized the candidates' prevailing themes and talking points as a means to assist voters who wish to boil their decisions down to the most important areas of qualifications and goals. These points and areas of focus seem to be consistent among Republican candidates in Alabama regardless of the office they seek.

  We urge Republican Primary voters to focus on the following Tuesday when casting a ballot:

1) Opt for the candidate who most strongly expresses his desire to fight "liberal special interests." We've yet to determine where these groups are hiding in the hotbed of hippy-like, progressive activity central Alabama is notorious for, but we'll let you know when we unearth them. (We're consulting area Sasquatch hunters for pointers.) We've even leased a Salem-style dunking contraption to deal with the witches once we've corralled and secured them.

2) According to many TV ads, Barack Obama is coming to your house to fondle your guns, infiltrate your Republican Primary, force you to drink clean water, and kill your house plants. So whichever candidates claim they'll kick the President of the United States in the shins and use their far-reaching, omnipotent powers on the Rooster Poot Board of Education to stop the Affordable Care Act or subversive standards which prevent our environment from being poisoned, you should strongly consider voting for those individuals... even more so if those individuals' literature and/or TV spots focus more on a fictional Fox News version of Obama than the candidates themselves.

3) Nothing underscores a candidate's fitness for office more than the sheer number of guns he owns, how often he's seen in church (and readily tells us about it), and with what regularity he impregnates his wife. Producing children and exhibiting said children as show ponies is listed somewhere in the Alabama Republican Party charter as a non-negotiable prerequisite in qualifying for the primary ballot. (And bonus points should be awarded if the candidate devotes an entire ad to using his daughters as pawns to praise him for being such an overbearing, authoritarian, warden-like father. A female co-star of that particular ad has to sit on the floor, which is an apt metaphor for the GOP's approach to the role of women--subservient and not worthy of accessing furniture.) Remember as you cast your ballot: Guns, religious window-dressing and potent sperm.

  In summary, we implore voters participating in the June 3rd Republican Primary to truly focus on what matters. A candidate's education, accomplishments in the community or in the workplace, the intelligent articulation of tangible, practical goals, and mental fitness should always take a proverbial backseat to self-righteous, Pharisee-inspired screeching about one's own morality, the firepower of one's psychological penis replacement, and poorly-veiled race-baiting coupled with Obama-hating... because nothing reaffirms one's professed Christianity and placement on moral high ground more than expressing blind, uncontrollable hatred.

  Voting is not a civic duty to be taken lightly. Countless generations of Americans have placed their lives on the line to preserve the freedoms we enjoy in this sacred democratic republic. So praise the Lord and pass the unabashed pandering, toxic fear-mongering and knuckle-dragging, race-baiting ignorance. Proudly embrace the lowest common denominator Tuesday... and git er done!

Copyright © Capital City Free Press

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