Author's note: Yes, I'm back. It's a condition of my parole to give people advice on trivial matters which they should have the sense to sort out on their own.
Dear Dr. Bumdinkle:
I love my girlfriend deeply. We may even get married one day. Since we met, we have considered ourselves to be in an "open relationship," which by our standards at least means we're free to romance other people, including having sex, but our emotional bond and the core relationship stays strictly between us. We do not get attached to other people. In other words, despite our flings with others, we always come home to each other. And yet we often get criticized by our friends for sleeping with other people.
Do you think this - an open arrangement - is a healthy way to conduct a relationship?
-Melancholy in Montgomery
Dear Melancholy:
It's healthy if you're a stingy, self-centered slut I suppose.
The basic premise of an open relationship is flawed. It distorts and bastardizes the fundamental reason for a romantic relationship between two individuals - to be devoted and faithful to that individual and to reap the deep, heartfelt benefits of the time and emotion you have invested in that individual. To grow and to evolve together, all the while strengthening that unique bond.
It completely undercuts and waters down the value of the relationship by boinking other people on the side... or in the back or wherever else works for you. Frankly, it's how a dog behaves - he'll poke 'n cuddle with pretty much any other dog in a frenzy of needing to breed. Wham, bam, bow-wow-wow-yippy-yo-yippy-yay, thank you ma'am, then tinkle on a fire hydrant nonchalantly without further thought or feeling. The only difference between you and that dog is that you presumably have no fleas and aren't drooling as you read this.
Simply put, you cannot have it both ways. You cannot expect someone to remain faithful and loyal to you as you scamper about the world, poking and prodding below the belt with random people, then think that just because you showed up at "home" to make dinner after your world wind tour of fooling around that it somehow makes your "relationship" valid and healthy. You're essentially committing the ultimate act of selfishness - having your cake (or in this case, poonanner) and eating it too.
So do not be misguided... as long as you're sleeping around with other people, you do not share a deep, meaningful relationship with your girlfriend. Likely the only thing the two of you share is an expansive collection of STDs.
Peace out, bitches.
-Dr. Bumdinkle
Disclaimer: Don't be a jackass. "Ask Dr. Bumdinkle" is for entertainment purposes only.
Editor's note: "Ask Dr. Bumdinkle" previously ran in the Capital City Free Press, but we don't know where this columnist is now. If you've seen him, please let us know: editor[at]capcityfreepress.com. This article originally appeared in the CCFP on May 30, 2011.
Copyright © Capital City Free Press
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