The term, between a rock and a hard place, goes all the way back to Greek mythology. The rock is hard. The hard place is hard. One cannot move against a rock. One cannot move against a hard place. They are both too hard. Therefore, we can’t move forward and we can’t move backward.
A terrible injustice happened when two of my young male friends had “forcible sex” with my young female friend. All were my fellow college students. My young female friend did not call it “rape.” She said, “They forced me.” It was rape.
My young female friend approached me for help. She was in great psychological pain, great mental pain, and great emotional pain. She was suffering something terrible. In her pain, she came to me for help. I failed her. I was caught between a rock and a hard place.
I went to ask my two young male friends about forcing my young female friend to have sex. I was hoping they would say it did not happen. They did not say any such a thing. In fact, they admitted that it did happen. But they did not call it “rape.” I forget what they called it, but I know that they did not call it “rape.”
My young female friend asked me what should she do. I did not want the responsibility for telling her what she should do. I did not want her to keep suffering. I did not want others to suffer even though they deserved to be punished. I did not want her to suffer if she reported the rape. I did not want her to suffer if she did not report the rape. I did not want my young male friends to suffer the pain of prison if they were convicted. I knew that if my young woman friend were White, my young men friends would get life in prison. They might even be lynched at that time. Since she was Black and they were Black, I did not know what kind of prison sentence they would get, if any. Our society does not value Black female bodies as much as it values White female bodies. Black men’s lives are not valued as much as White men’s lives. I was caught between a rock and a hard place.
I didn’t go forward. I didn’t go backwards. I went sideways. I told my young female friend that I could not tell her what to do; she had to decide by herself. We talked about the options: she could report the young men to the college authorities; she could report the young men to law enforcement; she could do nothing and suffer in silence. If she reported my young male friends to the college, the college authorities could put them out of college and/or report them to law enforcement or do nothing. If she reported them to law enforcement, they could do nothing or put the young men in jail or under the jail.
I did not understand that my young female friend would suffer for the rest of her life. I now understand how deeply and long-lasting is the pain of rape. Don’t get me wrong. I knew rape was bad. I just didn’t know how horrible. I didn’t understand it was a life sentence. I don’t think we men understand this. Rape is not just an invasion of a woman’s body. Rape is an invasion of a woman’s entire being – her emotions; her mind; her psyche; her spirit; her soul. I didn’t fully understand this fifty-some years ago. I was caught between a rock and a hard place.
I understood that my young woman friend was caught between a rock and a hard place as well. They were much harder than my hard places. Either way, she would suffer. If she reported the rape to law enforcement, she may well run into the rock of their indifference; the rock of their belief that a Black woman cannot really be raped. If she reported it to the college authorities, she may run into the rock of their belief that she brought it on herself by being in a place she was not supposed to be. Then there is the negative reaction she would get from others, even other women. People somehow blame the woman. She was caught between a rock and a hard place.
Some reports say that 90 percent of rapes go unreported. Others say that 80 percent go unreported. Either number is far, far too great. Some reports say that even if there is a report, most rapes do not result in convictions. Rape is the most underreported crime in human history and the least punished. One study shows that 96 percent of men who rape get away with it one way or the other. Women are truly caught between a rock and a hard place.
I should have done more to help. I should have been more supportive of my young woman friend. I should have urged her to take action in spite of the terrible squeeze on multiple hard places. I should have said, “I will stand by you all the way.”
In the end, my young woman friend took neither action. She just suffered in silence from the pain inflicted by the hard places. She dropped out of college. I don’t know what happened to her. I now understand that in all likelihood she bore the brunt of these hard places for the rest of her life. She was caught between a rock and hard place. I was caught between a rock and a hard place. Nearly all of us are caught between a rock and a hard place. Only the men who rape are not caught between a rock and a hard place. They create rocks and hard places for us all, especially women who are raped.
Epilogue – We can be caught between a rock and a hard place in many areas of life. None, however, is as hard as something so personal, painful, and perpetual as rape. It is painful just for me to hear allegations of attempted rape being dismissed so lightly by our highest elected officials who say, “If it was so bad, she/they would have called the FBI when it happened.”
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