Dear old fat man with the unruly beard who only owns one tacky red and white outfit (which is sorely dated) and whose reindeer disrespectfully leave big ole dooky turds on my roof each December 25th:
First off, I must inform you that I have been a very good boy this year... more or less… sometimes… okay, a little… and you can’t prove otherwise because those particular court records are sealed. Ergo, I am submitting the following wish list which I trust you will peruse with all due haste and hook me up accordingly:
1) An eternal case of lockjaw for Sarah Palin. (Really, man, my ears are bleeding.)
2) A job. People keep telling me that I’m supposed to work, so I figure, what the hell, I’ll give it a try. Granted, the only people who seem to be “employed” right now are the ones cooking meth in their trailer and selling it to their inbred cousins, but still….
3) Peace and goodwill toward men (and womenfolk). No more starting wars for shits and giggles… or oil. Goodwill is pretty sweet too… I bought a fierce sweater there last week.
Thank you for your consideration… and I’m gonna need you to keep from leaving reckless sleigh marks in my yard this year… thanks. Landscaping ain't cheap.
P.S. I cannot in good conscience leave you milk and cookies this year because your behind is already the size of a manatee. Find a gym, bro!
About the author: Joseph O. Patton is the editor-in-chief and founder of the Capital City Free Press.
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