Joseph O. Patton: One pink toenail over the line

  Oh, and you thought we were having a nasty time with instability in the Middle East, a Chernobyl brewing in Japan, widespread unemployment in America and a Congress that can’t even agree on the weather outside. But this planet has officially stopped spinning on its axis over some pink toenails.

  So-called Christian conservatives are at it again, up in arms and hurling Bible verses over a mere photo spread in a J. Crew catalog. (Seriously, I’m not joking.) The spread features the president and creative director of the company spending quality time with her young son. Insidious, subversive, immoral, eh? In one photo, however, the mother has painted her son’s toenails pink because he likes the color. Children like colors, don’t they? I was quite the fan of tearing through a box of Crayola Crayons using every shade in sight, so I can sympathize.

   This somehow tipped off the worldwide conspiracy grapevine for those who see evil bubbling up like Texas crude in every rainbow, puppy’s face or clothing advertisement. They insist the photo is a creepy attempt to blur the lines of sexuality, gender identity and probably a bunch of other silly bullshit, but I had to stop reading because those folks and their nutty-cakes ramblings give me ulcers. (At least they’ve moved on to another asinine conspiracy theory and backed off the goofy nonsense about President Obama being born on Uranus and being a Muslim/Socialist/Communist, though, right?)

  I don’t even want to dignify these tin foil hat-type claims, but I do have to ask: why are these people so obsessed with everyone else’s family? Do they not have their own family members to judge, insult and gossip about? Do they need a hobby? I don't know if they're afraid of catching the Fruity Fever or what.... God bless 'em, they need a trip to time-out.

  And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but those who always screech about family values seem to never value families. They’ll target you for being a single parent, an unwed mother, for not practicing their brand of Christianity or exercising no religion at all. They’ll jump on every opportunity to take away much needed government assistance programs for struggling families trying to pull themselves up by their bootstraps while simultaneously supporting mammoth tax cuts for the filthy, stinking rich. (Sometimes they'll just steal the bootstraps outright.) They’ll belittle and condemn pretty much anyone who doesn’t look, talk, chew their food, dress, declaw their cat, worship, fart or vote the way they do. And I’m no Bible scholar, but I’m pretty sure Jesus ain’t down with that....

  Frankly I’ve never witnessed any group of people so obsessed with butt sex. These folks seem more fixated on sex-related matters than a porn producer - night and day, can’t get it off their minds, just eating away at their rabid little brains like a big girl seducing a Twinkie. All over it. Their addiction runs deeper than a crack head’s passion for the rock. (See Fred Phelps and his God Hates Everbody cult out in Cooter Cat, Kansas.) And this level of perversion simply can’t be healthy, so I’m praying they seek professional help for their problem. I'm praying they'll mind their own damn business once in a while, too....

  Perhaps we’d all be better off if they found something more productive to do with their time… such as caring for their own families instead of harassing everyone else’s. Maybe take a walk in the park, check out the birds and stuff. Maybe attend a sporting event, wolf down a hot dog. Better yet, try reading the Bible cover to cover and meditating on its contents rather than cherry-picking then distorting Scripture to facilitate demeaning and harassing someone else and generally being an insufferable, judgmental hypocrite. 

  And on that note, I’m going to max out my entire family of credit cards at J. Crew. I may even pick up some pink nail polish while I‘m there just for good measure. Suck it. 

  About the author: Joseph O. Patton is the editor-in-chief and founder of the Capital City Free Press. He is a former news editor for the Coosa County News, lead reporter for the Montgomery Independent and editor-in-chief of the AUMnibus, the student newspaper of Auburn-Montgomery. Patton is also the creator of and writer for the satirical news radio segment "Goat Hill Gossip," which previously aired on WAUD in Auburn, Alabama and has appeared on several Central Alabama radio programs as a political analyst. 

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