Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Josh Carples: Warning: The War on Christmas is in full effect

  It’s getting closer and closer to December, which means keeping track of Jews and Muslims fighting in Gaza is pointless because there’s a bigger war that’s been raging for years: the War on Christmas.

  Yes, each year, this seasonal war seems to get bloodier and louder. Chants of “It’s Merry F*****g Christmas, you atheist f*****s!” can be heard from the Shoppes at Eastchase to the Capitol dome.

  It’s hard to believe that it’s been seven years since Fox News’ John Gibson began making money off his fair and balanced account of the secretive plot to destroy Jesus-land (the original name for “America” as historians will tell you). If you need a refresher course, his highly-acclaimed, mostly-one-star-rated book on Amazon, “The War on Christmas: How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday Is Worse Than You Thought” can be purchased for $1.34 (or used copies for $0.01), which means the true cost is closer to $20 when President Barack Hussein Obama changes U.S. currency over to the “Amero” and institutes Sharia law.

  Radio host Alex Jones weighed in. “This is what the Justin Beiblers (sic) want you to think!” he exclaimed. “Jesus was not from Canada, you little twerp!” Glenn Beck agreed, pointing out that when Jesus returns, he will be setting his kingdom up in Missouri, just as the founder of Mormonism, Joseph Smith, said he would. “We’d love for it to be in Branson,” said Beck, “but if he chooses another part of Missouri, I’m sure it will be just as great.”

  On a local level, the emails began circulating again, some from many years ago. They attack any company that wants to ruin your life by making minimum-wage employees repeat “Happy Holidays” as you check out with hundreds of dollars’ worth of highly-valuable gifts imported from China. It’s no secret that the Chinese love Christmas almost as much as Americans do; that’s why they make so many items and decorations for the occasion. And our research has shown that these employees absolutely love for you to take out your anger on them, especially when they had nothing to do with corporate policy. If they seem irritated or offended at your righteous anger, know that it’s all an act to please their corporate overlords.

  Montgomery’s mayor, Todd Strange, is assuring the public that the Christmas parade will still go on, as planned. “Every year, people get concerned that we’re changing the title to a ‘holiday parade,’ but that’s just not the case,” he said. “It’s a Christmas parade, with a Christmas tree and lots of large, fat men wearing lots of fur. I’m told Santa Clause will be in attendance as well.”

  While the mayor’s statement offered comfort to some, the City Council issued a rare joint statement that had a very different tone. “We, the council, do hereby warn the citizens of Montgomery to be vigilant, aware of your surroundings. You never know when a supposedly friendly ‘happy holidays’ greeting can pop up. It happens when you least expect it, and sometimes from people you would never suspect.”

  The main point of this year’s update is to remain vigilant and exercise your First Amendment freedom to celebrate commercialism – the true reason for the season.

  About the author: Josh Carples is the managing editor of the Capital City Free Press.

Copyright © Capital City Free Press

No comments:

Post a Comment