Friday, August 16, 2013

Joseph O. Patton: My prayer for the haters, homophobes and garden variety assholes

  After enduring the noxious backlash and expected passive-aggressive venom over WWE Superstar (professional wrestler) Darren Young “coming out of the closet,” I couldn’t help but subject myself to some soul-searching and spiritual reflection. And instead of dishing some hot-headed diatribe, I would like to offer this heart-felt prayer:

       Dear Lord: I pray that You will touch the toxic hearts of these intellectually crippled, inbred, snaggle-toothed, trashy homophobes and bigots so they will turn from their self-loathing, hateful, morally deficient ways which they project onto everyone else. Their lifestyle is so repulsive and disgusting, and I pray that they will stop producing hate babies that will carry on their sickening ways. I also hope we can find a loving, forgiving method by which we can discriminate against them with a clenched fist, treat them like second-class citizens, keep them away from our children, and bully them in Your name. I'm not judging or anything, but since they're evil and going to Hell and they disgust me, I hope something can be done about it. Amen.

  Author’s note: If you can’t swallow satire, you probably shouldn’t have read that.

  About the author: Joseph O. Patton is the editor-in-chief and founder of the Capital City Free Press. He is a former news editor for the Coosa County News, lead reporter for the Montgomery Independent and editor-in-chief of the AUMnibus, the student newspaper of Auburn-Montgomery. Patton is also the creator of and writer for the satirical news radio segment "Goat Hill Gossip," which previously aired on WAUD in Auburn, Alabama and has appeared on several Central Alabama radio programs as a political analyst.

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