Thursday, November 12, 2015

Josh Carples: The War on Christmas 2015: Breakfast Blend

  Editor’s note: This is the first official update on the War on Christmas since we risked our lives on the front lines in 2012. We were unprepared for the next two years because as we all know, the world was supposed to end in December of that year. Please review the last update from the field here: Warning: The War on Christmas is in full effect.

  Before the turkey could even get shoved into the oven to later be consumed for the bodily energy needed to trample our fellow Americans on the ever-encroaching hours of Black Friday, the first shot rang out on the annual face-off we’ve come to lovingly call the “War on Christmas.”

  The shot heard round the internet was fired from the parking lot of a Starbucks in Arizona where one “former television and radio evangelist” with too much time on his hands – which can happen when you unclasp them from prayers – walked into a Starbucks and saw a red coffee cup.

  “Starbucks REMOVED CHRISTMAS from their cups because they hate Jesus!” Joshua Feuerstein exclaimed, noting the Christ-centered coffee cup designs of years past, including Jesus reappearing in such forms as a snowman, snowflake or overweight bearded man in red, furry suit. “And those don’t even include the image burned into my toast or the coffee-stained Jesus image on my living room rug,” he added.

  But he had the last laugh when the barista asked his name, and he replied “Merry Christmas” so they would have to write it on the solid red cup-o-hate. “I tricked them!” he exclaimed, after paying approximately $5.00 for a cup of coffee. Employees reportedly were still counting and sorting the bills and change that added up to the $5.00 “trick” while he recorded his ignorance with his cell phone for all to see.

  This is all part of Starbucks’ evil Jesus-hating plan, which includes, according to leaked corporate emails, employees scouting for nativity scenes during their off-hours in order to steal multiple baby Jesus…es(?) from unsuspecting households and other private properties.

  When asked for comment, a spokesman for Jesus said, “Most people didn’t even recognize our Lord and Savior in previous years when he was dressed as that snowman on the Starbucks cup. We found the best costume guy in Hollywood for that one. I mean, he’s still going to hell, but he makes a damn good costume.”

  “This is what we’ve been warning you about all these years!” said an overly-excited Bill O’Reilly, adding, “Buy my books; they make great CHRIST-mas gifts.” As he counted his earnings from his book sales, he said, “This truly is the most wonderful time of the year.”

  Presidential candidate Ben Carson pushed Donald Trump’s hair out of the way to inform us all of the history of coffee cups. “You may not know this, but coffee cups - specifically red ones - were what the Egyptians used to keep their grain sorted on the shelves inside the pyramids. They were basically grain storage cups before they were used for coffee.”

  Even with changes from year to year, we will reiterate our advice from 2012: remain vigilant and exercise your First Amendment freedom to celebrate commercialism – the true reason for the season.

  About the author: Josh Carples is the managing editor of the Capital City Free Press.

Copyright © Capital City Free Press

1 comment:

  1. You know that I disagree with your last sentence, but I do agree that this guy doesn't have enough to do if all he can think about is causing an uproar about a coffee cup. I said that when I first read about his taking offense on Facebook. Good grief! He needs to get a life. P.S. The drop down doesn't let me put my name in. This is Josh's Mom.