Yes, each year, this seasonal war seems to get
bloodier and louder. Chants of “It’s Merry F*****g Christmas, you atheist
f*****s!” can be heard from the Shoppes at Eastchase to the Capitol dome.
About the author: Josh Carples is the managing
editor of the Capital City Free Press.
It’s hard to believe that it’s been seven years
since Fox News’ John Gibson began making money off his fair and balanced
account of the secretive plot to destroy Jesus-land (the original name for
“America” as historians will tell you). If you need a refresher course, his
highly-acclaimed, mostly-one-star-rated book on Amazon, “The War on Christmas:
How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday Is Worse Than You
Thought” can be purchased for $1.34 (or used copies for $0.01), which means the
true cost is closer to $20 when President Barack Hussein Obama changes U.S.
currency over to the “Amero” and institutes Sharia law.
Radio host Alex Jones weighed in. “This is what the
Justin Beiblers (sic) want you to think!” he exclaimed. “Jesus was not from
Canada, you little twerp!” Glenn Beck agreed, pointing out that when Jesus
returns, he will be setting his kingdom up in Missouri, just as the founder of
Mormonism, Joseph Smith, said he would. “We’d love for it to be in Branson,”
said Beck, “but if he chooses another part of Missouri, I’m sure it will be
just as great.”
On a local level, the emails began circulating
again, some from many years ago. They attack any company that wants to ruin
your life by making minimum-wage employees repeat “Happy Holidays” as you check
out with hundreds of dollars’ worth of highly-valuable gifts imported from
China. It’s no secret that the Chinese love Christmas almost as much as
Americans do; that’s why they make so many items and decorations for the
occasion. And our research has shown that these employees absolutely love for
you to take out your anger on them, especially when they had nothing to do with
corporate policy. If they seem irritated or offended at your righteous anger,
know that it’s all an act to please their corporate overlords.
Montgomery’s mayor, Todd Strange, is assuring the public that the
Christmas parade will still go on, as planned. “Every year, people get
concerned that we’re changing the title to a ‘holiday parade,’ but that’s just
not the case,” he said. “It’s a Christmas parade, with a Christmas tree and lots
of large, fat men wearing lots of fur. I’m told Santa Clause will be in
attendance as well.”
While the mayor’s statement offered comfort to some,
the City Council issued a rare joint statement that had a very different tone.
“We, the council, do hereby warn the citizens of Montgomery to be vigilant,
aware of your surroundings. You never know when a supposedly friendly ‘happy
holidays’ greeting can pop up. It happens when you least expect it, and
sometimes from people you would never suspect.”
The main point of this year’s update is to remain
vigilant and exercise your First Amendment freedom to celebrate commercialism –
the true reason for the season.
Copyright © Capital City Free Press
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