Surviving critical relatives at family gatherings

  I realize that not everyone lives in a Norman Rockwell world where family gatherings are sources of warmth and good memories. For some, the prospect of holiday get-togethers generates dread and anxiety; they are something to endure, not enjoy.

  One reason is that family members can be tactless and downright cruel when expressing their opinions about perceived foibles, flaws, and failures of their relatives, especially in-laws. Often comments are so laden with negative judgment that they could make the Grinch wince. Whether motivated by well-intentioned, but misdirected, love and concern, or by malice, insensitive or unkind words are like spears to the heart.

  Maybe it’s a controlling or critical parent publicizing disappointment or disapproval about your job, lifestyle, or failure to give them grandchildren. Or it might be a sister who delights in pointing out how old, tired, or overweight you look. Or an uncle who loudly proclaims how much better his children are doing. It may seem that everywhere you turn, there are self-righteous relatives who feel it’s their right and duty to criticize you.

  The sad truth is that family members are often willing to say things to their relatives that they would never say to others. For some reason, people who are generally kind and tactful, even charming, among friends and business associates, become rude and inconsiderate oafs in family gatherings.

  But it’s also true that people who are strong and confident in other settings feel fragile and vulnerable when surrounded by family members uninhibited by the normal rules of civil discourse.

  If you see yourself as a perennial victim, here are a few strategies to help you cope:

-Treat the evening as a game testing your strength of character. You win if you refuse to get upset.

-Don’t take anything seriously. Whenever you can, assume the offender had good intentions but bad judgment and allow for the possibility that you misinterpreted the remark. If this doesn’t work because you’re sure the person is spiteful, mean, or irredeemably stupid, just treat them as if they were mentally ill and unable to control themselves.

-Remember, you can’t control what others say and do but you can control how you react.

  But I can’t assume everyone out there is a victim. There’s a good chance some of you are spear-throwers. Could you be the hyper–critical parent, insensitive sibling, boastful aunt, or tactless uncle?  Could something you think is good-natured kidding or clever wit be received as a gratuitous put-down?

  Just in case, at your next gathering, be self-consciously tactful; opt for a compliment rather than a criticism; try to make everyone feel better, not worse. Make it your mission to make it a happy holiday for everyone.

  Editor's note: This article first appeared in the Capital City Free Press on December 22, 2012.

  About the author: Michael Josephson is one of the nation’s most sought-after and quoted ethicists. Founder and president of the Josephson Institute and its CHARACTER COUNTS! project, he has conducted programs for more than 100,000 leaders in government, business, education, sports, law enforcement, journalism, law, and the military. Josephson is also an award-winning radio commentator.

  This article was published by the Josephson Institute.