Joseph O. Patton: My letter to Santa

Dear old fat man with the unruly beard who only owns one tacky red and white outfit (which is sorely dated) and whose reindeer disrespectfully leave big ole dooky turds on my roof each December 25th:

  First off, I must inform you that I have been a very good boy this year... more or less… sometimes… okay, a little… and you can’t prove otherwise because those particular court records are sealed. Ergo, I am submitting the following wish list which I trust you will peruse with all due haste and hook me up accordingly: